Movie Reviews

The Revenant : Plot Holes

This movie is a good anti guide on how to survive in the wild. It is also about a couple of super humans surviving in the wild.

A brutish neglect for detail must be signature feature of blockbusters. Maybe it has something to do with the target group, which means they left a bunch of trash for me which most would simply enjoy.

The movie plot is bouncily good with nice scenes beautifully shot in awesome mountain spots. The story credibility, however, is seriously challenging at a times, and at other times, no different than that of Toy Story 2 or Under Siege with Seven Segal. But let me bring you the straight how-to guide of The Revenant, you be the judge.

How to know when to get suspicious

hardy

With the main dude out of the picture, the rest of the crazy bunch gradually started doing what they please. After Tom Hardy’s character killed Leo’s son, the young boy, who used to roll tight with Hardy, becomes suspicious when his role told him he was going to go grab some water from the creek.

Survival mode puts basic ingredients like water at high priority, and for a reason. When the wilderness gives you the cold hug of a dead prostitute, you realize water ranks as high as help, shelter and food. Similar to red pepper and jalapenos, it’s better to have loads of H2O than none. Howeverly, in he mind of the young lad, Hardy’s decision to take a piss near the river is cause for major concern. Easy there, Holmes, I wish you had a good reason to lash out at your buddy for trying to stay hydrated.

How to ride a frozen river and live to tell the story

freezing-river

After surviving bear fights and bad weather, Leo has been rewarded by being tossed around in freezing waters. This river journey goes on for quite some time, but eventually he hops out and sets a fire with sparks from soaking wet stone, pronbably. Alright, let’s assume, for the fuck of science, that he had a waterproof stash or something.

After a short break at the miraculous camp fire, Leo proceeds to build a primitive stone fish trap near the bank. By the looks of how many stones he moved to achieve that feat, it must have taken a good half hour in the freezing water. He doesn’t even bother taking off the collective sack-like bulk of buffalo hides he wears at the time, before jumping in the river.

We learn that hypothermia is not a factor for Leo.

Have you ever tried to dry a soaking bear hide? Just try it. Takes weeks.

How to set fire in a blizzard

blizcon

Leo bumps into a random native guy who shared the buffalo corpse he had been dragging around. They stop and rest in the middle of the worst possible place if you want to remain unnoticed, and decide they were going to drop the chances of them being found even further by making a fire. The native, a sore representative of the tribe, who supposedly survived so far thanks to a thousands-year-old fire-making technique, holds a bundle of tinder and even blows into it to make the spark grow. Which would have make a lot of sense, if it wasn’t for the fucking blizzard already doing that same thing with tenfold the power!

The local guy chops down live trees branches instead of gathering the dry-wood scattered around. Making fire with freshly cut branches in the winter should be part of a reality show challenge where there are no winners. A freshly chopped tree is only good if you arealdy have a spanish inquisition stake already going full steam.

Upon reaching this part of the movie, Bear Grylls throws his laptop off a cliff and catches a cab to McDonalds.

How to melt ice into water when it’s freezing outside

winter-water

The image above shows a bunch of rookies at the job. What a straight native woman would do is fill buckets with clean snow and stock them near the fire place and wait fro them to thaw.

How to use navigation markers in the bush

Two men are chasing Tom in the open. They stop in the middle of nowhere and Leo says “Meet me back in here“. And his buddies add the locatin to their Google Maps apps. Becasue there is no way they could rememebr the place – no land marks like big trees, or a rock, or anything. Just trees:

forest-gps

I’m sorry, maybe I need a 360 view from the perspective of the shot above will reveals the marker they did use. Something huge, we recon, maybe a huge mountain. Yes, meet me by the mountain in five minutes, guys, chop-chop.

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